Son of a Virgo

I love my boys and feel blessed that we are all safe and sound together at home. That being said, I woke up feeling cranky from a week of thinking and doing too much. Too much cooking, cleaning, too much thinking of things my sons need to do more of, and some things they need to do less of, and thinking about the supply chain. I’m a therapist and I know that I need to put myself in a time out. So, I’ve decided to spend most of the day alone in my bedroom, I think it’s Saturday? I’m simulating the peace and quiet from my life just six weeks ago, and mourning the loss of my empty nest.

For the past six months I’ve experienced the true joy of being home alone and letting the benevolent universe be in charge of my kids. The youngest one is a freshman in college and the older one is a junior. Now they are both home, with college work stations set up for the remainder of the semester. The boys have needed to pivot quickly and act with resilience. One day they are living on a vibrant college campus , and the next day they are back home. The young one has a desk in his room which looks like homeland security. A computer monitor with a camera duct taped to the top, a track pad, a key board, a laptop, a microphone, numerous headphones and a couple of speakers. Maybe he wants to make sure he can hear his professors, or maybe he really just wants to listen to Travis Scott and spend his evenings gaming away with all his friends. He also has a ‘satellite’ office set up about 10 feet from his desk, which is really his bed. I noticed he was stationed in his ‘satellite’ office for his macroeconomic class last Thursday.

Here is the truth, I was super anxious about the younger one going off to college last year. I’m a Virgo and I like things done a certain way, like my way...which I usually think is the best way. I work hard and I spend time being thorough, efficient, and paying CLOSE attention to pretty much every detail. I have had to manage my Virgo need for perfection because it’s in my DNA. On one hand, these traits help me be successful and give me joy. On the other hand, they drive me and my boys crazy.

Just imagine being a teenage boy and having a mother like that! It’s like a recipe for disaster. The freshman in college does things in a more last minute, fast and furious way. He often uses the deadline of a project as his motivation. Although I think waiting until the last minute is called procrastination, he sees it as the ultimate driving force. I have needed to bite my tongue, or keep my mouth shut so many times that by now it should be a habit...’should’ being the operative word. The other thing I do, when I can’t keep my mouth shut and need to know that he is either finished with an assignment or hasn’t forgotten one, is that I ask a nonchalant question. “Oh, James how did you feel about writing that paper?” I disguise my need to know about an assignment by asking a question. Of course this is an obvious run around the end zone and he knows it.

I have had to apologize and walk back many comments and questions. I have had to own my fear and trust in the universe. I have needed to remind myself of the same advice I offer parents. The truth is that everyone on the planet has an internal drive to be successful and happy. We as parents just need to get out of the way (appropriately) and let their internal drive, their compass kick in.

I tell my boys this...when I see cookies on the kitchen counter, all I want to do is eat those cookies. I could be working on some detailed plan, enjoying my Virgo mind and the cookies will just pop into my head. So, I’ve learned that if I put the cookies in the drawer and don’t see them, then I don’t want them. Out of site, is out of mind. The cookies and the boys are the same. While they’re at college, they are out of my site and not at the forefront of my mind.

For the past six months I have thoroughly enjoyed my empty nest. My Virgo mind has refocused on my life. I have had more peace and joy then I thought possible. I have loved my boys from afar. I have had more faith in the universe and in them. I have seen their growth, watched them fail and have cheered them on from afar. My Virgo mind has shifted and has been focused on me.

The party is over for the moment, I’m readjusting to my full nest again. I’m out of practice keeping my mouth shut, and managing my fears about my boys. I need to quiet my Virgo mind and continue to have faith in our benevolent universe. © 2020 Barrie Birge Therapy LLC

Anger is an Emotion, Aggression is a Behavior

Before you go shooting off your mouth, or hit send on a mean text remember there is a human being on the receiving end of your outburst. Most likely your anger will prevent you from thinking about the other person and what they may be dealing with. Are they in the middle of some hardship or drama? Are they working on a difficult school or job assignment? Do they have a special day planned with their children, friends or family? Maybe you don’t give a rats’ butt about that, because all you want to do is off load your anger.

When you release that kind of unchecked anger, the person on the receiving side is always hurt. At the very least you throw their emotional equilibrium off. Like launching a rock into a calm pond, you are responsible for the ripples you create.

You may not think that’s your problem...but it is.

For example, an angry mother-in-law calls you and makes some snarky inconsiderate, passive aggressive swipes about the way you are raising her grandchildren. You, on the receiving side, end up feeling crapped on, hurt and angry. Your spouse walks into the room, and you either tell them what happened and how you feel, or you decide to clam up and not speak. The silent treatment begins and the temperature in the room drops to freezing. Your spouse has no idea what just happened, but is now feeling the frost. Or, your spouse feels terrible that their mother is such a witch and decides that distance from mother is the only answer.

You continue to feel pissed off and although you try to let it go, the conversation stays with you and plays over and over again in your head. That cycle continues, your mind keeps wavering between trying to let your mother-in-law’s words go and replaying the conversation. Your good mood has vanished and anger has set in. Now you find yourself behaving cranky with the kids.

This is how Grandma’s temper has created a problem for herself and her grandchildren. The kids have no clue why their parent is acting short, impatient and cranky with them. The kids go off to school with the residue of their parent’s bad mood stuck to them. Grandma’s temper has also thrown a ripple in her son’s/daughter’s relationship. Grandma will land herself in exile, or receive a chilly vibe when visiting the family.

My point is, be careful of what you say and how you say things to others.

Imagine this beauty…

Your ex husband texts you a huge stream of negative crap…he is busting his a_ _ working hard in the heat of the day, the kids don’t return his texts or call him enough (like kids do that these days?) blah, blah, blah. He feels you owe him an apology for divorcing him and that he was a good husband and father…

Let’s look at that stone (text) the ex husband just threw in the pond…those aren’t ripples those are waves.

You read the text in the morning, while happily getting the kids dressed for school, ready for the bus, sports equipment packed, gloves and hats together. After reading the evil text, your positive energy and focus has been shot to hell. You try not to let your hurt and angry feelings spill out onto the kids. You try to stay focused on what you were doing, but the ripples from the text have distracted you. A lunch box is left on the kitchen counter, there is a shift in the mood, the kids start to argue and you no longer have the energy to keep the morning rush moving in a cheerful way. It would have been nice to have the children get on the bus with smiles on their faces, but now they are arguing and one of them will be searching for their lunchbox later.

Furthermore, you have been doing everything in your power to keep the children's relationship with their father alive. You knows that the children need a relationship with both of their parents. However, each time you are on the receiving end of his rants and raves, you understand why the children aren’t running to spend time with him.

His inability to control his temper works against him. It pushes both you and the children away from him, which is the opposite of what he truly wants.

Again, my point is to be aware, be mindful...I don't care what you call it, but managing your own angry and hurt feelings and communicating them in appropriate ways and times is more important than you think.

Mother in law certainly loves her grandchildren. Too bad she is unaware of how her hurtful words wiped out the positive energy that were getting from their parent.

Too bad the ex-husband’s text tirade on the ex-wife about his children not communicating him can so easily trickle down through an overwhelmed mothers plan to happily get those children off to school in the morning.

Learning how to manage your emotions and communicate effectively and not allow others’ emotions to put ripples in your still pond are some of the most important skills you can have.

Learning how to manage your anger is good for you and everyone around you. Learning how to be bulletproof to other people's negative emotion is just as important.

Let’s get that done, I have the tools to help you do both.

The question is...do you have the motivation?